Chenisms

Who was your favourite childhood cartoon character?

Are you picturing them now? Remembering all the joy they brought you in your age of innocence? Good. Now consider this heartwarming thought...

"Someone, somewhere is dressing up like your favourite childhood cartoon character and having sex."


Today's bit of randomness is brought to you by the letter S for sadist. Quote by RKMilholland of Something Positive.

If one more person tells me to join Facebook because it's so awesome, I think I will scream. Seriously, if I want to throw a frog at you or something ridiculous like that, rest assured - I do not need facebook in order to do so. I think it's summed up pretty well in the above Sheldon comic just how ridiculous Facebook can be.

It is only somewhat useful for keeping tabs on those who are no longer part of your everyday life... (And perhaps in such a case, they are no longer part of your life for a reason?) In every other respect, it seems like a pathetic means of pseudo-communication in order for you to feel connected to other Facebookers, when in truth you are not.

For every claim that Facebook is great for networking, I can think of plenty of others which are probably more likely to have greater truth and relevance.

Chen's Facebook recipe:
1 part "networking"
2 parts narcissism in highlighting only your good points and photos
1 part curiosity
1 part stalking
3 parts procrastination

and finally - the special ingredient

2 parts satisfaction in believing you are so much better than the people you used to know

Stir to combine. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 200 degrees celsius. Remove from oven once charred within every inch of its life. Enjoy the empty calories and counter the guilt in harbouring such a pathetic addiction by throwing a Facebook frog at a pseudo Facebook friend and by consoling yourself with the five magical words:

"At least it's not WoW."

It's funny because people think WoW is evil. I agree that it is, but at least WoW doesn't pretend to.... actually, wait, I'm defending WoW now? ... see you on Facebook!

Dear Chen,

I have this fear of buying condoms. I feel as though I’m being judged and also worry that the person at the check-out will draw attention to them, you know, loudspeaker price-checks and the like.

Embarrassed.


Dear Embarrassed,

It sounds like you’re too shy to rise to the occasion! Think of it this way: the check-out person will most likely assume that you’re actually getting some action. As long as it’s not your parents or minister, there’s not much wrong with that.

If you still can’t face the music, there is always the occassional vending machine at certain places if you’re willing to pay $2 a pop. However, I think that’s better spent on a nice large cucumber (smooth variety - unless you like it rough) to take through the check-out with the condoms. Trust me – no one will dwell on the condoms then.

Happy fornicating,
-Chen

"You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure." - Elizabeth Bennet

A lot has changed in the last few months and whilst I don't want to dwell on the past... at least not on sources of unhappiness since I feel like I'm getting it together again... I do have to question a few things.

When you reflect on the past - what is it that you think of? The events or the people you shared them with? For me, I know it's the latter. This poses somewhat of a problem. If we cherish our memories and if our experiences and memories are a large part into shaping us into who we are, isn't that just saying that we are shaped by other people? If this is the case, then how can we truly know ourselves and be who we are meant to be?

Often in the past, I have felt like I've had to play a part... That I was defined by my relationships to others - a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend and so on. Or that I was given a role - from school captain to university student to customer service consultant. In all these situations, there were expectations placed on me. Things I had to do or achieve, and just as many things that I couldn't do.

I suppose, what I want to get at is... When you think about it, we're almost always playing a part. Life and a lot of what we do is really one big act. That's my view anyway. Perhaps because I don't believe in being an open book unless I do trust someone and am generally a very private person (despite this blog somewhat begging to differ)...

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. In truth, there have been few people with whom I could just be myself. With the way things have turned out the last few months, arguably that number has dropped further. I guess the upsetting element is not so much losing the bonds, but realising that it obviously must not have mattered as much to the other person... That you have all these grand ideas about how wonderfully meaningful the bond between you is, and they seem content to let it go.

I know I'm not the only person feeling the complete frustration of such a situation at the moment. If there is blame in his kind of scenario, I'm not sure who owns the larger part of it. Sometimes I think I hate the fact that I let these people matter so much to me. Especially when I'm now left wondering just how much I mattered....

I am not saying that they couldn't see the beauty in the relationship, or appreciate the connection - but the knowledge that they no longer want to try does hurt. As it probably should. In truth, no relationship is truly equal and there is always one party who will feel the greater pain.

Perhaps what it comes down to is this: we have all these romantic notions about those who are in our lives... they are each unique and every connection we make, especially when strengthened through time affects us. It leaves us altered. We like to believe that as each person is unique that no one is replaceable - and think the same about ourselves. But in truth, people do let go. They move on and the place you once held is replaced by someone else... and I argue that this is what hurts. It's not the loss of the connection itself, but the sad realisation that you are no longer needed and have been deemed replaceable.

So much of human happiness is dependent on other people. Whether this makes us weak or strong... or simply stupid, I have yet to determine.

I did not intend for such a bleak post, and in all honesty, I actually hope that I am wrong. I would love for someone to convince me otherwise... And when I do believe it - this blogpost will be deleted.

1. Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys
2. You can’t be both a good person and well adjusted or you end up crying over centrifuges.
3. According to Cameron, I’m allowed to sexually harass my boss.
4. Even those as jaded as House need a friend.
5. The best place to hide something is in your vagina.
6. Everybody lies.
   
7. Given a young, blonde, Australian doctor, an African-American neurologist and a cranky, old, drug addict with a limp… the old guy is the most attractive. No doubt he can compensate for that limp…
8. I am clearly drawn to jerks.

1. Ignoring us for two hours to play games does not count as foreplay. On the other hand… putting it in terms you might understand… cooking us dinner = triple point score.
2. The wet-patch is your side of the bed. You made it. If you refuse it, you’re welcome to the couch.
3. Our underwear stays on until your stinky socks come off… For those of you who cannot understand, the concept is known as the ‘sock gap’. It refers to the finite window in which socks can be safely removed during foreplay without jeopardising one's chance of obtaining penetrative sex… "Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self respecting woman would ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her." - Jeff Murdock from ‘Coupling’
4. Unless it’s to point out how significantly more awesome we are, never bring up the ex and make comparisons.
5. No, it is not “that time of the month again” – you are just a right idiot. That said, it is always your fault. So if you ever want action again, just accept it, apologise and make amends.
   
6. Over 99% of us do not have an identical twin sister. LET IT GO already.
7. If you expect us to swallow, we assume and expect that you: a) will avoid eating asparagus, b) want to snowball.
8. Do not roll over and go to sleep/watch TV/check your e-mails/light a cigar/crack open a beer or get up and leave as soon as sex is over. Learn to snuggle or be replaced by Mr Rabbit, the trusty vibrator, and a cuddle pillow.
9. Stop fantasizing about Paris Hilton. She’s as appealing as a used condom and has the intelligence to match.... Though that is possibly an insult to the condom.
10. And finally… put the toilet seat down, but only *after* you are done. We are well aware of your aim… or lack thereof.

Hello Stranger,

Welcome to my new space on the web. Make yourself at home and enjoy your stay. I apologise for the severe lack of material... Posts will be done at random, but mostly when I have a need to vent and/or procrastinate.

Suggestions, questions and comments are welcome. Abuse is not. I have enough of my own shit to deal with... so unless you're going to pay me for it, please don't assign me yours.

Yours sincerely... until I find someone wittier, sexier and better endowed to take your place,

Chen.