Chenisms

"You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure." - Elizabeth Bennet

A lot has changed in the last few months and whilst I don't want to dwell on the past... at least not on sources of unhappiness since I feel like I'm getting it together again... I do have to question a few things.

When you reflect on the past - what is it that you think of? The events or the people you shared them with? For me, I know it's the latter. This poses somewhat of a problem. If we cherish our memories and if our experiences and memories are a large part into shaping us into who we are, isn't that just saying that we are shaped by other people? If this is the case, then how can we truly know ourselves and be who we are meant to be?

Often in the past, I have felt like I've had to play a part... That I was defined by my relationships to others - a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend and so on. Or that I was given a role - from school captain to university student to customer service consultant. In all these situations, there were expectations placed on me. Things I had to do or achieve, and just as many things that I couldn't do.

I suppose, what I want to get at is... When you think about it, we're almost always playing a part. Life and a lot of what we do is really one big act. That's my view anyway. Perhaps because I don't believe in being an open book unless I do trust someone and am generally a very private person (despite this blog somewhat begging to differ)...

I cannot speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. In truth, there have been few people with whom I could just be myself. With the way things have turned out the last few months, arguably that number has dropped further. I guess the upsetting element is not so much losing the bonds, but realising that it obviously must not have mattered as much to the other person... That you have all these grand ideas about how wonderfully meaningful the bond between you is, and they seem content to let it go.

I know I'm not the only person feeling the complete frustration of such a situation at the moment. If there is blame in his kind of scenario, I'm not sure who owns the larger part of it. Sometimes I think I hate the fact that I let these people matter so much to me. Especially when I'm now left wondering just how much I mattered....

I am not saying that they couldn't see the beauty in the relationship, or appreciate the connection - but the knowledge that they no longer want to try does hurt. As it probably should. In truth, no relationship is truly equal and there is always one party who will feel the greater pain.

Perhaps what it comes down to is this: we have all these romantic notions about those who are in our lives... they are each unique and every connection we make, especially when strengthened through time affects us. It leaves us altered. We like to believe that as each person is unique that no one is replaceable - and think the same about ourselves. But in truth, people do let go. They move on and the place you once held is replaced by someone else... and I argue that this is what hurts. It's not the loss of the connection itself, but the sad realisation that you are no longer needed and have been deemed replaceable.

So much of human happiness is dependent on other people. Whether this makes us weak or strong... or simply stupid, I have yet to determine.

I did not intend for such a bleak post, and in all honesty, I actually hope that I am wrong. I would love for someone to convince me otherwise... And when I do believe it - this blogpost will be deleted.