This rant is obviously about the new Indiana Jones movie – Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars. I believe it’s in cinemas under the alias: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Either way, it is best avoided… and this is my only warning, if I haven’t already ruined it for you by calling it by its proper name… this rant discusses various flaws and therefore contains spoilers. You have been sufficiently warned – do not keep reading if you don’t want to know/still want to see the movie… Lord help you if you do. As the old Indy would’ve said… trust me!
Let’s start with two words: selective magnetism. Seriously, can we have a weaker opening to a movie? “Heavily magnetised” my ass… Moving on: Indy is something like 65 freaking years old and making one of the lamest getaway I’ve ever seen… How not one bullet managed to hit him or his hat is ridiculous, but I will let that one slide because there is much, much worse to follow.........
Namely: The Fridge. Okay, I will buy into the fridge’s interior being lead-lined and able to withstand a nuclear attack because they had the courtesy to at least attempt an explanation as to why Indy could survive and I don’t study physics… However, I have a feeling that it should’ve at least annihilated the fridge to the point where it loses its exterior shape and strength and crushes it into a shape from which Indy cannot get out without a struggle and without being incredibly hurt. My main problem is that the fridge is nuked, goes flying and rolling for miles and the stupid door manages to stay closed. It’s not really wedged either because it wasn’t that hard for Indy to get out and then fumble around in the highly radioactive aftermath for however long it is before the next scene where he gets the washdown… and we’re supposed to believe he’s fine?
And I can’t remember the last time I saw a more awkward on screen romance… oh wait, yes I can. It was called Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. Granted, in this case it was not Lucas’ own screenwriting… ‘talent’… however, was Marion even necessary? Besides, if Indy cannot link Mutt’s mother, ‘Mary Williams’ to Marion Williams prior to seeing her in the South American hellhole then he is either an idiot or she is not really the apparent love of his life. “They weren’t you, honey” – that just screamed sincere, didn’t it? I’m sorry Marion, but the guy impregnated you and left you after claiming to want to spend the rest of his life with you… and that’s all he has to say for you to get that goofy ‘I’m in love’ smile? I didn’t know who to slap first - Indy for the line or Marion for the smile.
Don’t even get me started on the long-time friend exposed as a villain thing. My problem is not even that it’s old, clichéd and predictable - it’s the fact that Indiana goes from punching him in the face for the supposed number of good Americans crossed and potentially killed to actually taking him along to the find the freaky aliens. Seriously, why would anyone believe him? And why couldn’t he fucking be left in the jungle to fend for himself until it was over just in case? The ants could’ve used the feed.
Next issue: the big one - George Lucas and his stupid aliens and crystal skull pitch. Could anything be more ridiculous and less Indiana? This film took so long to hit the screen because everyone else knew how crummy the idea was. Yet that fat, rich bastard whose mind deteriorated into mush between the two Star Wars trilogies managed to wear them all down. Why, Spielberg, why? It was clearly dumb and when the movie starts borrowing props from your Close Encounters film surely you must think to yourself – is this guy for real?
I believe Sean Connery didn’t appear in this film not because he was enjoying retirement too much but because he read the script. Or… perhaps has simply watched the newer Star Wars prequel trilogy. As such, I should’ve known better too. Surely, the script by Frank Darabont, which was rejected by Lucas, would have been so much better and less ridiculous… but now we’ll never know. All I can say is, Indy was right about one thing: somewhere, Grandpa Connery is laughing… for being smart enough to refuse to appear anywhere but in a grinning photo.
Simply put, the movie was expensive trash. There were rare glimpses of wit in the poorly written script which contained no elements of plausibility (Mutt swordfighting is one thing, but swinging like Tarzan to catch up with the vehicles after hanging there for a while in a manner that can only be described as most resembling a clueless limp dick?) And seriously, ripping lines from a dead poet in order to attempt to give deeper meaning to the trashy film is just poor form. John Milton is groaning from the grave.
Finally, the audience is treated like fools who cannot grasp the idea that knowledge was the treasure without having it spelled out repeatedly. Irony is, this message of knowledge being of greater value than tangible treasures is completely lost and is in fact, the biggest slap in the face because surely all parties involved in the film who possess half a brain would have enough knowledge to understand how royally bad it sucked (Lucas excluded because he jumped ship long ago and likely thought his idea was awesome)… but they made it anyway… and why? To make them wealthier. This is bad. It will just reinforce to Lucas that we will accept his shit. He's like the puppy that you keep letting shit on your carpet... except in this case, the carpet is the big screen.
I give a bonus point for bringing in Indy’s fear of snakes in a hilariously stupid manner, but overall, it is just painful to watch. The only saving graces (despite having so little to work with) were Cate Blanchett whose character seemed so wrong it felt right, and Shia, who simply makes me think unladylike thoughts. And to the lady who actually clapped in the end… I sincerely hope it was out of irony or appreciation of Shia’s sex appeal or what little faith I had in humanity is now lost.
