Unsolicited advice for men
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
- Ignoring us for two hours to play games does not count as foreplay. On the other hand… putting it in terms you might understand… cooking us dinner = triple point score.
- The wet-patch is your side of the bed. You made it. If you refuse it, you’re welcome to the couch.
- Our underwear stays on until your stinky socks come off… For those of you who cannot understand, the concept is known as the ‘sock gap’. It refers to the finite window in which socks can be safely removed during foreplay without jeopardising one's chance of obtaining penetrative sex… "Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self respecting woman would ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her." - Jeff Murdock from ‘Coupling’
- Unless it’s to point out how significantly more awesome we are, never bring up the ex and make comparisons.
- No, it is not “that time of the month again” – you are just a right idiot. That said, it is always your fault. So if you ever want action again, just accept it, apologise and make amends.
- Over 99% of us do not have an identical twin sister. LET IT GO already.
- If you expect us to swallow, we assume and expect that you: a) will avoid eating asparagus, b) want to snowball.
- Do not roll over and go to sleep/watch TV/check your e-mails/light a cigar/crack open a beer or get up and leave as soon as sex is over. Learn to snuggle or be replaced by Mr Rabbit, the trusty vibrator, and a cuddle pillow.
- Stop fantasizing about Paris Hilton. She’s as appealing as a used condom and has the intelligence to match.... Though that is possibly an insult to the condom.
- And finally… put the toilet seat down, but only *after* you are done. We are well aware of your aim… or lack thereof.
That's it for now. I am sure there will be many more additions to come in future posts... anyone who has any additions of their own are welcome to comment.
May 27, 2008 at 11:56 PM
*gags at no.7*
for the record I am not checking this religiously...
only five times a day
May 28, 2008 at 7:57 PM
Nice blog,
As for number 7, coffee would be another foodstuff to avoid.
In my defense I've offered you dinner plenty of times, lol.
May 29, 2008 at 7:00 PM
Another "foodstuff" = weed
May 29, 2008 at 7:13 PM
Apparently too much meat doesn't make it great either so i've heard somewhere... XD
May 29, 2008 at 8:29 PM
do girls actually think that ANY guy finds Paris Hilton attractive??! really?! she's as interesting as a piece of cardboard, actually, a piece of card board is much more interesting, you can make stencils out of it and paint on it and it has a nice texture, you could even chew on it it would be more fun than thinking about 'Paris'.. NEXT.. um.. the socks issue, is there actually a socks issue?! i dont even think that exists, i mean, seriously, youre about to get down and dirty and i dont think socks come into the equation, socks in bed are horrible anyway, i dont wear them and i dont know anyone who does, (sorry about the lack of chronological order here), moving on, 2 hours of playing games DOES count as foreplay because it pisses you off and you love it even tho you say and think you dont, it gives you something to bitch about, anyway maybe you should take more interest in your mans leisure activities. Right along.. Wet patch.. can guys make wet patches? from sweat? what guys are u talking about, :) who are these disgusting grunting paris hilton sock wearing pigs you've been with?! show them to me and we shall hunt and slay them together!
Number 5. Yes, ok, we are idiots, but so are you, we're all idiots, the only reason we eventually let you think that it is 'our' fault is due to the pain and suffering we must endure otherwise, so we might as well let you think youre right, it cuts the hassle. This has happened for generations and is now genetically ingrained in both sexes, this is why it happens, because the guy just wants some slack and doesn't really care.
6. i dont understand..
8. Again! What pig is this! Snuggling is the best part! man, surely this guy isnt real? is he, who would do that, no, it cant be, i mean, you lie there and hug and think for half an hour 'yes.. i just had SEX' and smile and say stupid things, surely thats better than sleep/tv/watch/emails right? ..
7, if youre going to suck it you might as well swallow, its less hassle anyway,
10. DO PEOPLE STILL CARE ABOUT THE TOILET SEATS?!! WHAT CENTURY IS THIS?!!
OK - im sorry Linda, but i had to let you know that maybe these are just awful cliches that dont actually exist except in a bitter persons head. or B) youve been dating some real lame dudes. (That still doesnt absolve the Toilet Seat issue, that's just inxcusable, no one should care about such inconsequential things in this now age of terror. :D
MUCHO AMOR! :)
- Pablo
May 29, 2008 at 9:17 PM
Yes, apparently some guys do find Paris attractive. She's constantly engaged to some guy or other, and this makes me question the sanity of men in general!
As for the toilet seats - YES it matters. It's a matter of principle and also, as you say, it is an age of terror... and I'm a germaphobe studying a microbiology major. I'll leave it at that cos you've threatened to chew out my ass if I don't drop the toilet seat issue.
Sadly.. They aren't all awful cliches, though I won't say which ones I have personally experienced.
I will give you the one about gaming though. It's fine and can so work in their favour (until the point where one literally ends up ignored and ditched for something incredibly shit like WoW...)
Also, I totally agree: Snuggling is the best part. Unless of course, it's a booty call, in which case it's totally inappropriate.
And I'm okay with being bitter, however, feel free to point me in the direction of non-lame dudes. I'm sorry, but they don't exist.
May 29, 2008 at 9:31 PM
a) sure, but lots of hot girls sleep with Ron Jeremy and that doesnt make me lash out at all women or question their sanity, theres freaks everywhere.
b) your keyboard is probably filthier than the toilet seat, some germs are good for you anyway, ok lets leave the toilet alone, its a non-issue.
c) WoW is EVIL. I have lost friends to that digital black hole. Remember when games were games instead of a second job? *sigh*
non lame dudes are everywhere, just like non lame girls are, that doesnt mean youll be attracted to them. Attraction isnt a choice and Love sux filthy dead dogs ballz.
May 29, 2008 at 10:53 PM
zomagoggen! As if defile WoW!!!! thats just blasphemy what you are saying!!!
wow has bought countless good things into this world!! like those cretins in the public library computers browsing wow forums and randomly yeling LOL and ROFL and LMAO out loud.
Oh and the relationships that it forges! What could be better then having another 39 other random guys whisper in your ears over ventrilo!
And lets face it, who has never imagined themself as a big cow/human hybrid beast thing. answer me THAT!